I've wanted to blog about this for so long but just couldn't....
I think I've reached a point where it's finally sinking in. Since the day she died, I think I've been walking around in a state of disbelief! So many times I've picked up the phone, dialed her number and just let the phone ring. I've gone to her old apartment and just sat in the parking lot and just stared at what used to be her windows. No, I'm not crazy. I'm just a girl who realized how much a mother means.
I never once in a million years thought I would have to plan my mom's funeral. I mean, yes, naturally, a parent isn't supposed to plan their child's funeral and it should be the other way around, but you also don't expect to have to do it at 27 years old. You think you have more time.
The crazy thing is, she called me Tuesday, August 24th in alot of pain. I remember like it was yesterday b/c it was the first week back to school and she was supposed to babysit on Wednesday b/c I had an appointment with my doctor. I called and told her not to worry about it and to just rest. She didn't get any better so Thursday she was admitted to Arlington Memorial. I kept saying, "I was just talking to her. I thought she was starting to feel better!" UGH! Trice and I went to see her Thursday and she was talking and joking, but I could tell she wasn't her self. She didn't even seem like my mom. I felt bad for her because she was hooked up to all these machines and getting fluid suctioned from her stomach. She had started to swell really bad. :( She asked us to go home and she said "Momma's tired. Ya'll go home." So we went home and I had a bad feeling. Friday, she went into a state of mental confusion and could no longer form coherent sentences. I began to feel sick to my stomach. I KNEW she would never be the same but I also KNEW she was recover and come home and soon as she was rehydrated. My husband and I left and I cried the whole way home. I knew something was up. I lost sleep that night and woke up early Saturday morning and headed to the hospital to be with my mom. She had by herself all night and couldn't speak for herself. Someone had to do it and no one else would go. I spent the entire day their. I talked to her even though she didn't talk back. I graded papers and told her about my new class. I told her how much Ashlynn liked her new daycare. All the while, doctors are coming in and out performing x-rays and blood work. I began to feel drained when one doctor stated he want to do an exploratory surgery and take a look in her stomach. Signing such important paper work can make you grow up fast. I was doing ok with the exception of a few moments of tears. They wheeled her down to surgery but couldn't begin for while because they were having to resisitate her several times because her "numbers" kept going lower than they could work with. When they finally were able to administer anestessia and see what was happened they realized her condition was inoperable and fatal. The doctor informed and I will never forget his cold words:Dr: Are you her daughter? Me: Yes Dr: I'm sorry, but her condition is inoperable and there's nothing we can do for her. It will kill her Me: what do you mean? When? Dr. : she may not make it through the night. Maybe a few more hours. I'm sorry. That was about 4 p.m. at 7:40 she died. She was officially pronounced "expired" at 8:42 p.m. Saturday, August 28, 2010. At that point, I went numb.
I could blog all day about this but I will conclude with this statement.....
It has been so hard without her. I miss my momma.......
